Castration Celebration Read online

  There was widespread laughter and a few shouted comments and then the room quieted, and he began.

  “I know you don’t think it’s a good idea, Mom, but will you please just listen. You’re not a guy, so you have no way of knowing how hard it is to have testosterone coursing through your veins. I walk around every day with this beast in my pants screaming ‘FEED ME! FEED ME!’ You’re laughing, but it’s really not funny. Remember when I was a baby, and I would throw a tantrum if you didn’t play with me. It’s like that. If I don’t attend to HIM constantly, there’s no telling what might happen. I could be standing in front of the class doing a presentation, and suddenly Bilbo Baggins decides it’s time for a growth spurt. Not cool, Mom. Not cool. Why do you think I spend so much time in the bathroom? Do you think I volunteer to wash my own sheets out of the goodness of my heart? I’m sorry if that grosses you out, but it’s true. And come on, don’t act like removing the testicles is such a big deal. I mean, you sliced off part of my penis when I was eight days old and threw a party to celebrate.

  “Look, this isn’t just one of my crazy ideas, like wanting to go to mime school or going on that all-bread diet. This time, I’ve done the research and know it’s really what I want. I’ve been online talking to eunuchs from all over the country. Have you ever even met a eunuch, Mom? Well, you should. They’re some of the smartest, funniest, most successful people I’ve ever talked to. And you know what they all say? That they’re much happier now that they’ve got their sex drives under control.

  “I’ve made up my mind, Mom, and you can’t stop me. I’ve made an appointment to have it done on Friday after school. (pause) I know it’s Shabbos, Mom, but it was the only day he had open. (pause) His name is Doctor Denutter, and yes, he’s fully licensed. (pause) What kind of question is that? I have no idea what he does with them afterward. (pause) Are you serious? What would you do with them? (pause) You want to keep them as a souvenir? What the hell’s the matter with you? (pause) I can’t have this conversation right now, Mom. I can’t … (looks down) Oh, Jesus, no! Not now! Down, boy, down! (to Mom) See. I told you it was out of control. I’ve got to go.”

  Max sat down to a round of hearty applause, though a number of boys in the room wore horrified expressions and had positioned their hands protectively over their crotches. He caught Olivia’s eye and winked. She gave him a little smile, then pointed at Callie, who was sitting across the table, brandishing her knife and fork.

  That’s right. Now he had to get Callie to kiss him. Things were about to get a lot more interesting.

  CASTRATION CELEBRATION

  Act 3, scene 2

  (A classroom. Jane and three other girls sit in chairs facing a fifth girl, who is standing at the front of the room.)

  LOLA: The meeting will come to order. Before we get started, let’s welcome Jane, who is joining us for the first time. (There are smiles, nods, and light applause from the other girls.) Okay. The first item on today’s agenda is Outrage of the Week. What we do, Jane, is share the most outrageous forms of harassment and discrimination we have experienced or witnessed over the past week. Who wants to share first?

  CAROL: I will. I read in the newspaper this week that the school board is trying to ban a book about gay monkeys from school libraries.

  JESSE: Oh my God, I saw that, too. What the fuck is wrong with these people? It’s okay to have books about guns, but you can’t have a book about gay monkeys?

  KITTY: There are gay monkeys? That’s so cool.

  CAROL: Of course there are gay monkeys. There are gay monkeys, gay gorillas, gay giraffes, gay penguins, gay aardvarks. You think only people can be gay?

  KITTY: Wow! I never thought about that before. Do you think there were gay dinosaurs?

  JESSE: Have you seen Barney?

  CAROL: Hey, what about this for a TV show? A sitcom where all the characters are talking dinosaurs, and the main character is gay.

  JESSE: Penisaurus Rex.

  CAROL: Cunnilingusaurus.

  KITTY: Is Barney really gay?

  LOLA: We’re getting off topic. Does anyone else have an outrage to share?

  JESSE: I do.

  KITTY (to Jane): Jesse always has an outrage.

  JESSE: Jane was there for this one.

  JANE: Gym class?

  JESSE: Uh-huh. Yesterday, in gym, Mr. Grunfeld divided the class into girls and boys, and that cunt Christie Meehan says, “Can Jesse go on the boys’ side? I don’t want her trying to rape me.” Can you believe that shit? And everyone laughs, including fucking dickhead Grunfeld.

  CAROL: What did you do?

  JESSE: I looked at Christie and said, “Why don’t you go? You’ve already slept with all of them anyway.”

  CAROL (laughing): You said that? Oh my God.

  KITTY: What happened?

  JESSE: Grunfeld made meowing noises, so I gave him the finger and walked out of class.

  KITTY: You did not.

  JESSE: Ask Jane.

  KITTY (turning to Jane): Did she really?

  JANE: She did. But he deserved it.

  LOLA: You won’t get in trouble. That asshole’s hanging on to his job by a thread, and everyone knows it.

  KITTY: Didn’t he make a pass at a student a few years ago?

  LOLA: Are you kidding? He hits on his students all the time. I heard he slept with Jordan Weston’s sister when she was a senior.

  CAROL: Yuck! He’s so slimy!

  JANE: All guys are slimy!

  JESSE (looking at Jane with approval): You said it, sister.

  KITTY (confused): Wait. You hate guys? I thought you were going out with Dick Conroy.

  JANE: I was. I’m not anymore.

  JESSE: It’s a good thing, or we might have to beat some sense into you.

  JANE: I wish someone had beat some sense into me before I went out with him.

  CAROL: What happened?

  JANE: I really don’t want to talk about it.

  LOLA: Come on, Jane. This is a support group. You’ll feel better getting it all out.

  JANE: There’s nothing really to tell. He lied to me and screwed around behind my back.

  JESSE: Of course he did. Men are scum.

  LOLA: Tell us what happened.

  JANE (uncertainly): Well, we had been going out for a month. We were supposed to go out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary.

  JESSE: I’m gonna puke.

  LOLA: Jesse! Go ahead, Jane.

  JANE: Well, he tells me he has to go to a family reunion to see his dying aunt. But instead he goes out with his friends and hooks up with some random drunk girl in a bathroom stall.

  CAROL: What a pig!

  LOLA: I’m so sorry, Jane.

  JESSE: All men should be castrated!

  CAROL: That’s Jesse’s answer for everything.

  JESSE: Tell me the world wouldn’t be a better place with no penises.

  KITTY: You can’t just go around castrating people, Jesse.

  JESSE: It’s ridiculous that men have more power than women when everyone knows that women are the dominant sex. (She takes a paper out of her bag and begins to read.) “The male is a biological accident: the Y (male) gene is an incomplete X (female) gene, that is, has an incomplete set of chromosomes. In other words, the male is an incomplete female, a walking abortion, aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited; maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples.”

  JANE (laughing): What is that?

  JESSE: SCUM Manifesto.

  KITTY: SCUM?

  JESSE: Society for Cutting Up Men. Some chick wrote this back in the sixties.

  JANE: Smart lady.

  JESSE: I know, right? Listen to this. (starts to read again) “Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded, responsible, thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money system, institute complete automation, and destroy the male sex.�
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  LOLA: Ladies, take up arms!

  CAROL: Down with men!

  JESSE: A castration celebration!

  (Music begins)

  “Castration Celebration”

  (Lola)

  There’s a land that I see where the women are free

  It’s a land full of joys,

  Where we rule the men and boys

  Take my hand, come with me,

  Oh how happy we will be

  Come with me, take my hand, and we’ll live

  In a land where the men do the chores

  (Kitty)

  In a land with no macho guy wars

  (Jesse)

  In a land where we’re more than just whores

  (all together)

  Cuz we don’t need men to succeed anymore

  (Jane)

  I look ahead to a nation

  Where we’ve stripped away temptation

  Don’t depend on the men;

  You don’t need the aggravation

  So be strong, keep your heart …

  From being torn apart

  Keep your heart, and be strong, join the fight

  (Lola)

  For a land where the men do the chores

  (Kitty)

  For a land with no macho guy wars

  (Jesse)

  For a land where we’re more than just whores

  (Carol)

  For a land with no Hooters or Scores

  (all together)

  Cuz we don’t need men to succeed anymore

  (Jesse)

  Every boy in this nation

  Is subject to castration

  Every girl in this world

  Can join the celebration

  Take a knife, drop the mop,

  All it takes is just one chop

  Drop the mop, take a knife, and we’ll run

  (Lola)

  To a land where men do the chores

  (Kitty)

  To a land with no macho guy wars

  (Jesse)

  To a land where we’re more than just whores

  (Carol)

  To a land with no Hooters or Scores

  (Jane)

  To a land where a woman can roar

  (all together)

  That we don’t need men to succeed

  No, we don’t need men to succeed

  No, we don’t need men to succeed anymore.

  JESSE (still swept up in the spirit of the song): Let’s go trash the boys’ locker room.

  (The other girls give each other uncomfortable looks.)

  KITTY: Um. I’ve kind of got a lot of homework.

  CAROL: Yeah, I have an English paper due Friday on Moby-Dick.

  (Jesse turns to Jane.)

  JANE: Don’t look at me. I’m only a lesbian wannabe.

  LOLA: Maybe we can put it on the agenda for next week.

  JESSE (disgustedly): So much for the revolution.

  (Dick appears onstage, looking around. He walks into the classroom.)

  DICK: Jane. There you are. (sees the other girls and registers that this is a meeting of the Lesbian Club) What are you doing here?

  JESSE (wrapping her arm protectively around Jane): She’s one of us now. You got a problem with that?

  DICK (ignoring Jesse): Can we talk? Alone?

  JANE: There’s nothing to talk about.

  (Dick looks at the other girls, who all glare at him.)

  DICK (to Jane): Come on, Jane. This is ridiculous. Let me walk you home.

  JESSE (looks at Jane): Is he really as dumb as he seems?

  JANE: Uh-huh.

  DICK (chuckling): Fine. (He looks at the girls.) Ladies, have a nice afternoon. (to Jane) I’ll call you later.

  JANE: Don’t bother.

  (Dick gives her one last look and exits. There is a moment of silence and then the girls start to laugh and whoop it up.)

  (Curtain)

  Callie did not consider herself a cruel person. She volunteered at the local soup kitchen. She defended an overweight classmate from the mean girls in eighth grade. She cried when she saw To Kill a Mockingbird. She never tortured substitute teachers and only tortured her incredibly annoying younger brother on rare occasions. Still, the potential for messing with Max’s mind was too tempting to resist.

  It started in acting class the day after his castration monologue. He approached her and asked if she wanted to partner up that day. It was all so obvious. They were doing improvisation activities and he would try to steer their scene toward a kiss.

  “Ten dollars,” she said.

  “What do you mean ten dollars?”

  “I’ll be your partner for ten dollars.”

  He considered this, trying to figure out if she was serious. “How about five?”

  “No, thanks,” she said, shaking her head and immediately joining up with another boy in the class.

  He stepped up his campaign the next day, no longer even trying to hide his true intentions. “I’ll give you twenty dollars if you kiss me,” he said.

  “Do I look like a whore?” she said in mock indignation.

  “Okay, fifty dollars.”

  She stared at him in disbelief. “Let’s see it.”

  He pulled out his wallet, extracted two twenties and a ten, and held the bills out to her.

  “Here’s the thing,” she said, keeping her arms folded. “I really don’t need the money, and the thought of kissing a boy makes me feel like I might vomit.”

  “Then just close your eyes and pretend I’m a girl,” Max said.

  Callie shook her head. “It won’t work.”

  “Well, how about if I put on a wig?”

  “Forget it,” she said, turning away. She took a few steps, then suddenly turned back. “I’ll tell you what,” she said. “If you completely make yourself over as a girl, and I think you’re hot enough, I’ll consider it.”

  Max laughed. “Seriously?”

  “Sure,” she said with a shrug. “But I should warn you I’m very picky.”

  “So what’s your type?” he asked.

  She smiled devilishly and walked away.

  Max could barely contain his excitement at the prospect of making himself over. The year before he had dressed up as a girl on Halloween and paraded through the French Quarter, drawing admiring hoots and whistles from other revelers on Bourbon Street. Of course then he had just tried to make himself look as slutty as possible for a crowd that was more drunk than sober; but for Callie, who did not merely see girls as sex objects, he knew he would need a more sophisticated look.

  He lingered after class to speak to his teacher. He had a strange question, he said. Was there someone in the program who could make him look like a girl?

  Mr. Wells was curious. Was this for an acting role, or were there other, deeper identity issues that Max was struggling with? Not that it mattered to him. He just needed to know whether to recommend a makeup artist or a psychiatrist.

  Max smiled and assured Mr. Wells that it was all in good fun, and Mr. Wells suggested he ask the girls in the class for advice. “Perhaps Mimi,” he said with a glint in his eye. “I imagine she would be amenable to this sort of endeavor.”

  “Oh my God,” she squealed when Max pulled her aside after lunch and asked her. “It will be so much fun. We can go shopping right now.”

  And Mimi, of course, was a genius. They bought a simple linen dress at J. Crew and a bra at Urban Outfitters, and Mimi booked appointments for him to get his hair and nails done the next day. Throughout it all, Max was gracious and charming. He knew that if he could pull this off, he would be one step closer to Olivia, and he was willing to do anything to get there. But beyond that, he was having fun. A head massage with his blowout? A pedicure—now he knew why girls loved them—with foot massage, a vibrating chair, and hot towels? It was good to be a girl, he thought. Expensive, yes, but very good.

  That night in his room, Mimi did his makeup and, after finishing with a bit of lipstick, stood back to admire her handiwork.
“Oh my God,” she said. “You look amazing. Don’t you think, Zeke?”

  “I’d do him,” Zeke said.

  Max looked in the mirror and smiled. He looked good, no question about it. Better than most of the girls in the program. He adjusted his breasts and hoped he wouldn’t get hard just staring at himself.

  “Ready?” Mimi asked.

  Callie had insisted that Max unveil himself in the girls’ suite in front of the whole gang.

  “I’ll run up and tell them you’re coming,” she said. “You guys come up in two minutes.”

  He paced around the room, and then stood looking at himself in the mirror, trying out different facial expressions and poses. His adrenaline was pumping in anticipation of how the girls would react, and he tried to imagine how the scene would play out. Would Callie kiss him right then and there? Would she say she wasn’t interested? What would Olivia think when she saw him?

  “I can’t believe I’m rooming with a goddamn transvestite,” Zeke said.

  Max turned and faced him. “You know you love it. Come on, let’s go.”

  “I should be high for this,” Zeke said as they left their room and headed upstairs.

  * * *

  “Traitor,” Olivia said as Mimi came rushing back to prepare her suitemates for the grand entrance. “I can’t believe you’ve been helping the enemy.”