Castration Celebration Page 12
“He’s not the enemy,” Mimi protested.
“I can’t wait to see this,” Trish said.
“You’re not going to believe how good he looks.” She turned to Callie. “Better get ready to pucker up.”
“Yeah, right,” Callie said. “Like I’m really going to kiss him.”
“You might when you see him,” Mimi said.
Olivia put her hands on Callie’s shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “Whatever happens, I’ll still love you.”
“Get out of here,” Callie said, turning away with a laugh.
There was a knock on the door.
“Oh my God,” Mimi said. “Is everyone ready?”
Olivia and Trish hurried onto one couch, and Callie settled on the other.
“Okay,” Mimi said, barely able to contain her excitement. “Here we go.”
She opened the door and stepped quickly to the side.
Max stepped into the room.
“Oh … my … God,” Trish said.
“Wow,” Olivia said, taking him in. Max’s features seemed softer, his brown eyes even bigger, his lips fuller and juicier. “You make a good-looking girl, Max.”
Callie stared at him, speechless.
Trish turned to Mimi. “He looks almost exactly like Maggie Gyllenhaal.”
Mimi beamed. “He does, right?”
“So,” Max said, smiling broadly at Callie. “Am I hot enough to get a kiss?”
“Shit,” Callie muttered.
“That sounds like a yes to me,” Mimi said.
Callie looked at Olivia and shrugged hopelessly.
“Go ahead,” Olivia said, smiling.
Callie hesitated.
“We can go in the bedroom if you want privacy,” Mimi said.
“I want to see this,” Trish protested.
Max walked over to the couch and sat next to Callie, who scooted away and avoided looking at him.
“Come on, Callie,” Mimi implored. “Look at how hot he is.”
She turned, looked him up and down, shook her head in resignation, then leaned in and gave him a quick kiss.
“Yay,” Mimi sang out as she and Trish began to clap.
Max smiled at Callie. “You can feel my breasts if you want.”
“Okay, I’m done,” she said, getting up from the couch and walking into her bedroom.
“I’d like to feel them,” Zeke said.
Max patted the seat next to him. “Bring it on, big boy.”
Later that night as he sat up in his room sharing a celebratory joint with Zeke, his cell phone rang. “Unbelievable,” he said, looking at the caller ID. “Does he have a fucking marijuana detector?” He flipped open his phone. “Hi, Dad.”
Meanwhile, upstairs, Olivia huddled with her suitemates plotting the next part of the unfolding drama.
CASTRATION CELEBRATION
Act 3, scene 3
(Early morning. Dick sits alone outside Jane’s house. Jane comes out, carrying her book bag. She sees Dick and walks quickly toward school. Dick comes up beside her.)
DICK: Can I talk to you? Please?
JANE: There’s nothing to talk about.
DICK: Please, Jane. Just give me five minutes.
JANE: What’s the point?
DICK (taking her arm, looking her in the eyes, and speaking urgently): Please.
JANE: What do you want?
DICK: I made a mistake, Jane. I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t done it.
JANE (bitterly): Well, that makes two of us.
DICK (with feeling): I don’t want to lose you, Jane. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’m miserable thinking it could be over. Please, just give me another chance. I promise I’ll make it up to you.
JANE: Are you finished?
DICK: Look, I know it probably doesn’t matter at this point, but just so you know, I didn’t actually cheat on you. Yes, I lied. Yes, I acted like a jerk. Yes, I even went off with another girl. But nothing happened. She was drunk. I sat with her in a bathroom stall while she threw up. That’s it.
JANE: It doesn’t matter, Dick. You can do whatever you want now.
DICK: All I want is to be with you. Can’t you understand that?
JANE: All I understand is that we had something special and you fucked it up.
DICK: You see. Even you admit it was special.
JANE: Well, I was wrong.
DICK: Don’t say that. We belong together.
JANE: I don’t belong to anyone.
DICK: That’s not what I mean. Look, I can’t explain it, but there’s something between us that just clicks. It’s like we complete each other.
JANE: That sounds like a line from a bad movie.
DICK (laughing): You see. Even now you can make me laugh.
JANE: I wasn’t trying to be funny.
DICK: Look at us, Jane. We’re both miserable. Don’t you want to go back to the way things were?
JANE: It’s too late for that.
DICK: It’s never too late. (starts to sing)
“We Belong Together”
Odysseus, Penelope
Orpheus, Eurydice
Superman, Lois Lane
Spider-Man, Mary Jane
JANE: What are you doing? Are you singing to me?
Cleopatra, Antony
Harry, Ron, Hermione
Ernie, Bert; Barbie, Ken
Liz Taylor and a lot of men
JANE: What are you talking about?
Some things go together
I don’t know why, but everyone knows
That when they’re together, it’s better
That’s how it goes; that’s how it goes
(Jane starts to walk away. Dick cuts her off and continues to sing.)
Adam, Eve; Tarzan, Jane
Rosebud and Charles Foster Kane
Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy
Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree
Batman, Robin; John and Paul
Michael Jordan, basketball
Lancelot and Guinevere
A frat boy and a keg of beer
(Dick takes her hands.)
Some things go together
I don’t know why, but everyone knows
That when they’re together, it’s better
That’s how it goes; that’s how it goes
(She pulls away. He dances in front of her.)
Bonnie, Clyde; Cheech and Chong
A hippie and a graphix bong
Timothy Leary, LSD
Hugh Hefner and pornography
Romeo and Juliet
Miss Manners, proper etiquette
Dr. Watson, Sherlock Holmes
X and Y chromosomes
Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
New Year’s Eve, a champagne toast
Jerry, Kramer, George, Elaine
Mork and Mindy; Dick and Jane
Some things go together
I don’t know why, but everyone knows
That when they’re together, it’s better
That’s how it goes; that’s how it goes
(Dick is so caught up in the song that he does not even notice that Jane is walking away, and that Sluggo and Biff have appeared and are watching with undisguised amusement.)
Yeah, we belong together
I don’t know why, but it’s easy to see
That when we’re together, it’s better
Jane, I need you, and, Jane, you need me
SLUGGO (applauding): “Freebird.”
DICK (looking around): Where’s Jane?
BIFF: She left your ass. Can’t really blame her. (singing to mock Dick) We belong together. I need you and you need me.
SLUGGO: Give it up, Dick. Girls are pretty fucking unforgiving when they catch you screwing around behind their backs.
BIFF: Yeah, man, fuck it. There’s plenty of other girls out there.
DICK: I don’t want any other girls.
SLUGGO: WHAT?!
DICK: I’m through screwing around
.
BIFF: Take that back, Dick.
DICK: I mean it. I’m done messing around. The only girl I want is Jane.
(Sluggo and Biff look at each other in stunned silence.)
SLUGGO: You’re not serious.
DICK: I’ve never been more serious in my life.
(Sluggo and Biff look at each other. They speak as though in a trance.)
SLUGGO: Well.
BIFF: Yeah.
SLUGGO: I don’t know what to say.
BIFF: Yeah.
DICK: How about good luck?
SLUGGO: Sure, Dick. Good luck.
BIFF: Yeah.
DICK: Thanks, guys. I’m gonna need it. (He exits.)
(They stand for a while in deep thought.)
SLUGGO: It’s like the end of an era.
BIFF: I feel like a part of me has died.
SLUGGO: He was a great man.
BIFF: An inspiration to us all.
(They stand for a long moment in silent tribute.)
BIFF: Have you ever banged a Spanish chick?
SLUGGO: No.
BIFF: Me neither.
SLUGGO: We should do that sometime.
BIFF: Definitely. (They exit.)
(Curtain)
Max sat in a chair facing his examiners. Across the table, Mimi, Callie, and Trish stared back at him without speaking, each holding a pad of paper and a pen.
“This feels like a parole hearing,” he said.
Callie smiled, not so much in a warm, encouraging way, but rather in a way that said, “You have no idea what you’re in for, mister, and I’m going to enjoy watching you wriggle and squirm.”
Olivia stood off to the side with a grim expression.
“Are you ready?” Mimi asked.
Max smiled. “Bring it on.”
Mimi scanned her paper. “Okay,” she said, “first question. Why should Olivia go out with you?”
Max took a moment to gather his thoughts and figure out how to begin. “I think we just have this amazing chemistry,” he said to Mimi. “You’ve seen it, haven’t you?” He looked at the other girls. “Olivia told me on the first night that she wasn’t dating anyone this summer, and almost a month later, instead of moving on to someone else, I’m still trying to convince her. I got up in the middle of dinner and talked about being castrated for her. I spent hundreds of dollars being made over as a girl for her.” He smiled at Callie. “Though being able to say that a lesbian kissed me is pretty cool.”
Callie did not smile back.
“Anyway,” he said. “I just think that we belong together.”
Off to the side, Olivia suppressed a giggle and struggled to maintain a straight face.
“Next question,” Trish said. “Are you looking for a committed relationship, or just some summer fun?”
“This isn’t about just hooking up,” Max said, “if that’s what you’re asking. I want Olivia to be my girlfriend.”
“Until the program ends, or after that, too?”
“I don’t know,” Max said. “I guess we would have to see how we feel when the time comes.”
“Well, what’s the longest relationship you’ve ever been in?” Trish pursued.
The answer was two months, but the only reason it had even lasted that long was because Jenny had been sick with mono for three weeks in the middle. Were they trying to label him commitment-phobic?
“A little less than three months,” he said, hoping this small embellishment would tip the scales in his favor.
“Were you completely monogamous the whole time?” Callie asked.
“I was,” he said. Then he chuckled, thinking about how often he had pleasured himself while she was sick.
Callie pounced. “What’s so funny?”
He shook his head. “Never mind.”
“Well, why were you laughing?”
“It’s nothing.”
She glared at him. “How do we know you’re not holding something back from us?”
“You don’t,” he said. “You’ll just have to trust me.” He held Callie’s gaze until Mimi broke the impasse.
“Ask the next question, Callie,” she said.
Callie looked down at her paper. “Do you think gay marriage should be legalized?”
“I do,” Max said, without hesitation. “And I’m not just saying that because you’re a lesbian.”
“Do you have any gay friends?”
“Besides you?”
Callie did not respond or even smile.
“Not many,” Max admitted. “But I wish I had more.”
“Would you care if your kid was gay?”
“No, as long as he was happy. I would just worry about him being harassed is all.” He smiled at Callie in a way meant to communicate that he was on her side.
“Do you ever tell gay jokes?”
He took a moment to think about the jokes he recycled most frequently. “Sometimes,” he admitted, “but certainly no more than black, Jewish, or handicapped ones.” He gave an embarrassed smile. “I guess I’m an equal opportunity offender.”
“Equal opportunity offender,” Callie said, writing on her pad.
“Okay,” Mimi said. “Suppose you were going out with a girl, and she told you that she was waiting until she got married to have sex. Would you stay with her?”
“Absolutely,” Max said. “If I liked her enough.” And assuming blow jobs were still on the table.
“What if all she would do was kiss?” Mimi asked.
Crap, he thought. “Is she a good kisser?”
“Let’s say she is.”
“I’d probably take a lot of cold showers.”
Mimi and Trish laughed, and even Callie had trouble suppressing a grin.
“I have another question,” Trish said. “What do you think is the most important element in a successful relationship?”
“You mean besides the sex?”
This time nobody laughed.
“I’m just kidding,” he said quickly. “Let’s see. The most important, most important—I guess I would have to say honesty.”
“Honesty?” Callie said.
Max nodded.
“Great, then tell us. Do you ever surf the Web for porn?”
Did I say honesty? he thought. I meant communication. He put on his most sheepish expression. “I have, but hardly ever.”
“Have you ever watched a pornographic movie or read a pornographic magazine?”
“In my life?” he said.
Callie nodded.
“Yes.”
“In the past six months?”
Max searched his memory. “Not that I recall,” he said.
“What about looked at porn online?”
He screwed up his face in mock concentration. “Probably.”
“Would you say that you enjoy looking at pornography?”
Sweet Jesus, he thought, give me a break. He looked down at the table. “I do enjoy it, yes.”
Callie smiled in victory. “No further questions.”
“Are we done?” Max asked, surprised.
“Not quite,” Mimi said. She looked at Trish.
“Last question,” Trish said. She paused dramatically. “Remember about a week ago when I saw you coming back from being out all night?”
Max tensed, knowing what was coming and wishing it wasn’t.
“What exactly did you do that night and who were you with?”
Fuck, he thought. Should he lie and risk getting caught? Should he tell the truth and hope they would understand? Either he delivered the performance of his life right now, or it could all be over. Looking directly at the girls across from him, he took a deep breath and began: “I said the most important thing in a successful relationship is honesty, so I’m going to be totally honest right now.” He paused and turned toward Olivia. “I made a mistake,” he said simply. “I wish I could take it back, but I can’t.”
She kept her face impassive, and he continued to address her.
“When I saw you
at the movie that night with Bruce, after you had told me that you weren’t dating boys this summer, something in me snapped. I left campus and just wandered around downtown feeling angrier and angrier, and then I remembered I had the phone number of a girl I had met on the train coming here. I don’t know why I still had it; I wasn’t planning on calling her. But I guess I was just feeling so hurt and angry and jealous.” He frowned and turned back to Trish and Callie. “Anyway, she invited me to a party, and I had way too much to drink, and …” He shrugged. “The whole thing was stupid.”
“Did you have sex with her?” Trish asked.
He took a deep breath and nodded slowly. “But only because I was so drunk and feeling so hurt. It didn’t mean anything.”
There was total silence in the room. Finally, Olivia stepped forward, faced Max without expression, and spoke in a strong voice that did not waver. “This concludes the interview. Mimi, Callie, and Trish are all going to vote now. If two of them vote yes, then I agree to end my boycott and go out with you. If two of them vote no, then you agree not to pursue me for the rest of the summer.”
Max nodded solemnly. “I understand.”
Olivia turned to Mimi. “Mimi, what is your vote?”
“I know how much you like Olivia,” Mimi said, smiling at Max, “and I think it was, like, really brave of you to be so honest about what you did. I vote ‘yes.’”
Max smiled, but did not speak a word.
“Callie?”
“As boys go, you’re not terrible, but the fact is that you tell gay jokes even though you say you’re not homophobic, you enjoy looking at porn, and you ran off and had sex with some random girl. You say that it didn’t mean anything. That’s not a justification. All it shows is that you see girls as sex objects, not as real people with feelings. I vote ‘no.’”
Max felt his muscles tighten.
“So it comes down to this,” Olivia said. “Trish?”
Trish looked down at her pad, and then met Max’s eyes. “This is a big decision I have, Max, and I want you to know that I’m taking it very seriously.”