Castration Celebration Page 14
She didn’t know how long she had been walking, but the day’s light was starting to fade as she found herself crossing the New Haven Green. Her mind had settled into a state of quiet reflection. Musing on the phone call, she realized that nothing had changed at home, and her being there for the summer wouldn’t have made a difference. Her parents were grown-ups, and they could deal with their own problems. And she had been right not to get involved with Max this summer. Who knew if he would have stayed faithful? What was clear was that any emotional attachment would have made her life more complicated. She had twelve days left to finish her musical, and she intended to eke out every moment she had left to produce the best piece of work she could possibly produce.
A familiar-looking figure was walking ahead of her, and she realized with a jolt that it was Zeke. She called his name, but he did not stop or turn around. His head was bent as he walked, like he was counting his steps or trying not to step on cracks.
“Hey,” she said, rushing to catch up and tapping him on the shoulder.
He looked like someone coming out of a trance. “Oh, hi,” he said, without a trace of emotion.
“Didn’t you hear me calling you?” she said.
He shook his head. “No.”
“We need to get together soon to work on the play. Maybe tomorrow afternoon.”
Zeke did not respond.
“Are you okay?” she asked, looking hard at him.
“Yeah.”
“You seem kind of distracted.”
“I’m just tired,” he said.
“Are you sure?”
He nodded. “I’ve got to go.”
She watched him walk off and wondered what was going on with him. This was turning into a strange night. First her mother, now Zeke … what next? Mimi suddenly deciding to go goth? Max turning out to be gay?
Still feeling a little off-kilter, she went to class the next morning, steeling herself to spend three hours in the same room as Bruce. It was true he had stopped stalking her ever since she had fake come out to him as a lesbian, but his behavior in class had become increasingly obnoxious, and this morning he was in rare form.
Maxine was leading a discussion about theme.
“What is your play really about?” she asked the class. “It’s not enough to say ‘family’ or ‘friendship’ or ‘love.’ What ideas about these themes are you trying to get across?”
Of course Bruce was the first to answer. “My play is about how political correctness is a major threat to a free-thinking, democratic society.”
Olivia rolled her eyes. Even if she agreed with him on some level, the way he looked so smug and self-righteous made her want to smack him.
“Interesting,” Maxine said. “Would you care to elaborate?”
“People should be able to say whatever they think, even if other people might be offended. For example,” he said, looking at Olivia and Trish, “I think girls should stop complaining about sexism. You all have it so much easier than guys.”
“Are you crazy?” Trish cut in.
“See. I make one statement, and already you’re jumping down my throat.”
“It has nothing to do with being politically correct,” Olivia said. “It has to do with your sounding like an idiot.”
“Look at the facts,” Bruce said calmly. “We have to work our asses off to get laid. You all just have to put on some tight clothes and shake your boobs around.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Trish said angrily.
“And then when we get older,” he continued, “we’re expected to support the family, while you all can sit around the house watching soap operas and getting fat. It’s no wonder so many guys end up cheating.”
He had no idea the hit he had scored, and Olivia wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing her lose control, but she resolved to make his dramatic counterparts suffer terribly when she started writing again.
At about six-thirty that evening as she was rereading her scene, Olivia heard a loud knock on her door and found Max standing outside.
“Have you seen Zeke?” he asked urgently.
“No, and I’ve actually been looking for him today.”
“You have no idea where he is?”
Olivia’s face registered concern. “Why? Did something happen?”
“I have no idea,” Max said. “When I came back to the suite this afternoon, all his stuff was gone.”
“What do you mean gone?”
“Gone. Like he packed up and left.”
“Oh my God,” Olivia said. “Did you call his cell phone?”
Max nodded. “It just goes straight to voice mail.”
“Does Shakespeare know?”
“He’s not around. And I don’t want to start some crazy manhunt until I know he’s missing.”
“When did all this happen?” Olivia asked.
“He was still in the room when I left for class this morning. I didn’t come back until about an hour ago, because I was rehearsing a scene this afternoon.”
“Okay, this is a little bit freaky,” she said. “I saw him last night on the Green, and he seemed really out of it.”
“What was he doing?”
“Nothing, just walking, you know, but when I called him he didn’t hear me, and then he seemed really distracted when I was talking to him.”
“Did he say anything?”
“Just that he was tired.” She looked at Max. “Do you think he really took off without telling anyone?”
“That’s what it looks like.”
“He didn’t leave a note or anything?”
Max shook his head. “Nothing.”
“Does anyone have his home number?” Olivia asked.
It was just a moment, and they both called out, “Trish!”
“Where is she?” Max asked.
“At dinner, I think.”
“Okay,” Max said. “I’m going to go look.”
“I’ll come,” she said. “Let me put on some shoes.”
She ran into her bedroom, grabbed her sandals, and hurried out, forgetting in her haste even to put her computer to sleep.
CASTRATION CELEBRATION
Act 4, scene 2
(Biff sits alone onstage. Music starts and he begins to sing.)
“I Saw My Parents Having Sex”
I’ve seen blood and I’ve seen gore
And I would see a whole lot more
If only I could run away
From what I saw the other day
I saw my parents having sex
I know I wasn’t supposed to be
Home until a half-past three
A twist of fate, a fatal quirk
Why weren’t Mom and Dad at work?
I saw my parents having sex
You may say it’s scientific
Let me tell you, it’s horrific
I know it’s how I came to be
But it’s not something I should see
There is nothing quite so gruesome
As my parents in a twosome
There is nothing quite so vile
As Dad on Mom, doggy-style
To be an orphan would be sad
And divorce hurts really bad
But when your parents are divorced
You don’t walk in on intercourse
I saw my parents having sex
Can you believe I saw them naked?
Saw the grass where my dad’s snake hid
Maybe if my mom was hot
I’d suck it up, but she is not
I saw my parents having sex
You may say it’s scientific
Let me tell you, it’s horrific
I know it’s how I came to be
But it’s not something I should see
There is nothing quite so gruesome
As my parents in a twosome
There is nothing quite so vile
As Dad on Mom, doggy-style
(Sluggo rushes excitedly onstage and music stops abrup
tly.)
SLUGGO: Biff, you’re not gonna believe this.
BIFF: No, dude, you’re not gonna believe this.
SLUGGO: What?
BIFF: No, you first.
SLUGGO (excitedly): My parents are staying in New York till Sunday night.
BIFF (without much enthusiasm): Oh, cool.
SLUGGO: Cool? It rocks. This party’s gonna be legendary.
(Biff just nods.)
SLUGGO: Dude, what’s with you?
BIFF (looking at Sluggo intently): I saw my parents having sex.
SLUGGO (unable to stifle a laugh): Are you serious? When?
BIFF (shaking his head, obviously pained by the recollection): Remember how I cut out of school early yesterday?
SLUGGO: Oh, Jesus.
BIFF: So I get home, right? And I’m going up to my room, and my parents’ door is open, and I hear noises.
SLUGGO (incredulous): You went in?
BIFF: It was the middle of the day. They were supposed to be at work.
SLUGGO: This is unbelievable.
BIFF: Dude, it was awful.
SLUGGO: What? What did you see?
BIFF: Doggy-style.
SLUGGO: NO!
BIFF: Yes.
SLUGGO: What did you do?
BIFF: I couldn’t move. Like when you see a car crash, you know, and you can’t turn away even though there’s blood and bodies everywhere. I just stood there, and then my mom started to scream, and my dad yelled at me to get the fuck out. I took off and didn’t come home last night until after they were asleep.
SLUGGO: Jesus.
BIFF: Then this morning, I try to get out of the house without seeing them, but they’re waiting for me like goddamn vultures, and my dad tells me to sit down, we have to have a talk, and I’m like, “Dad, I’ve got to go,” and he grabs me and says (in father’s voice), “Sit your ass down in that chair.” My mom starts to cry, and my dad’s like, “You see how you’ve upset your mother.” Then he starts giving me a goddamn lecture about not barging into other people’s rooms without knocking and how would I like it if he barged into my room without knocking. So I say, “But you didn’t even have your door closed,” and that just sets him off again. “Well, why weren’t you in school? No wonder you’re getting Ds in all your classes. Do you like to cut school so you can sneak home and look through your mother’s underwear drawers? What are you, some kind of fucking pervert?”
SLUGGO (incredulous): He said that?
BIFF: My mom’s totally hysterical at this point, and she starts to scream at my dad to stop, but he’s on a roll. (in father’s voice) “What else do you do? Do you jack off in our bed? Is that what you do? You come home early, find a pair of your mother’s panties, and jack off in our bed?”
SLUGGO: Jesus.
BIFF: It gets worse. My mom runs out of the room, and my dad goes totally ape-shit. (in father’s voice) “Do you like to fuck sheep, too? Is that what you like, you goddamn pervert, always talking about fucking sheep? Oh, yeah, you think I don’t hear the shit you and your friends talk about?”
SLUGGO (laughing): He’s got you there.
BIFF: So finally he tires himself out and goes off to look for my mother, and I bolt. (pause) What am I gonna do?
SLUGGO: There’s really only one thing you can do. Get totally hammered and party your ass off.
BIFF: I better get laid tonight is all I can say.
SLUGGO: Sorry, man. No sheep allowed.
BIFF (laughing): Fuck you.
(Dick walks onstage.)
SLUGGO: There he is. Mr. Monogamy.
DICK: Mr. Celibacy is more like it. What’s going on, guys?
SLUGGO: Getting ready to do a little partying.
DICK: I hear you.
SLUGGO: You hear that Biff walked in on his parents boning?
DICK (turning to Biff): No!
BIFF: I don’t want to talk about it.
DICK: You actually walked in while your parents were having sex?
BIFF: I really don’t want to talk about it.
DICK: You need to get yourself good and drunk, my friend. Wipe that picture right out of your mind.
SLUGGO: You want to come by early tonight, Dick? Get a little head start on the festivities?
DICK: Sorry, man, can’t do it. Got some shit I need to take care of.
SLUGGO: You are coming to the party, though.
DICK (hesitating): We’ll see. I’ve got this family thing—
SLUGGO: Bullshit. You think I’m some dumb chick you’re talking to? You don’t come to my party tonight and I’m gonna go medieval on your ass.
DICK (laughing): All right, man. I’ll be there.
SLUGGO: And no moping around talking about Jane all night, either. It’s fucking depressing, you know.
DICK: Any other rules I should know about?
BIFF: Yeah. Everybody gets drunk, and everybody gets laid.
SLUGGO: But no fucking sheep.
DICK (smiling): All right, fellas, I’ll catch you later.
BIFF: Later.
(Dick exits.)
SLUGGO: Can you believe that? He was gonna blow off the party. I mean, what the fuck?
BIFF: Can we just go start drinking? Because right now I’ve got this picture in my head of my dad humping my mom, and it’s starting to freak me out.
SLUGGO (ignoring Biff): Thinks he can pull that family shit on me. Who the hell does he think he’s dealing with?
BIFF (now also lost in his own thoughts): Riding her like a horse.
SLUGGO: I was using that story before he ever was.
BIFF: Tits flouncing all over the place.
SLUGGO: Fuck him.
BIFF: (in high-pitched voice): “Fuck me, fuck me.”
SLUGGO (looking at Biff): What the fuck are you talking about?
BIFF (embarrassed): Nothing.
SLUGGO: Holy shit, is that a boner?
BIFF (extremely embarrassed, turning away): No.
SLUGGO (laughing, incredulous): Did you just get hard thinking about your parents?
BIFF: No.
SLUGGO (shaking his head): You’re sick, man.
BIFF (angrily): Would you shut up?
SLUGGO: You really do sniff your mom’s panties, don’t you?
BIFF (charging at Sluggo and tackling him): I told you to shut up!
(Biff and Sluggo grapple with each other on the floor, with neither one getting the upper hand. The wrestling begins to take on a more sexual nature, until it’s hard to tell whether the boys are fighting or humping each other. Sluggo pins Biff and lies on top of him. They stare into each other’s eyes, and suddenly Sluggo leans down and kisses Biff on the mouth. Biff pushes Sluggo off and leaps up. They stare at each other in horror.)
SLUGGO (pleadingly): Biff—
(Biff shakes his head, horrified, then turns and runs away.)
(Curtain)
“Shit,” Trish said.
Max looked at her. “What?”
“I’m getting pulled over.”
Max spun around and spotted the police car behind them with its light flashing. “You sure are,” he said.
“How fast were you going?” Olivia asked.
“About eighty, I think.” She slowed to a stop on the shoulder of the highway, and the police car pulled up behind her. Through her rearview mirror, she watched the officer approach her car. He was a stocky guy, sporting sunglasses, a mustache, and a stomach that had seen a few too many jelly donuts. She brushed her hair back and took a deep breath.
“License and registration,” he said.
Trish handed them over, and he walked back to his car to run them through his database.
“You don’t have any drugs in here, do you?” Max asked.
“No. Of course not.”
“Too bad,” he said with a smile.
“You better not do something stupid and get us arrested,” Trish said.
Max patted her shoulder reassuringly. “Relax.”
The police officer returned
to the car and handed Trish her papers. “Are you aware that you were driving eighty-three in a sixty-five zone?”
“I’m sorry,” Trish said. “I didn’t realize I was going so fast.”
He leaned over and looked in the car window. “Are you kids in a hurry to get somewhere?”
“We’re on a mission from God,” Max said, and Trish could not suppress a laugh.
Perhaps the officer had never seen The Blues Brothers. Perhaps he had seen it and was not amused by the film’s portrayal of the police force. Whatever the case, he did not even crack a smile. “Would you all step out of the car, please?” There was not a trace of humor in his voice.
“We’re on our way to a funeral,” Trish said.
“Step out of the car.”
They stood there on the side of the highway while the officer questioned them. Max was tempted to wave to the people in the cars speeding by, but restrained himself. No sense giving Officer McJelly any more reason to detain them. He seemed disappointed enough already that he had not been able to uncover any illegal substances.
“You kids keep driving like that and people will be coming to your funerals,” he said before walking back to his car.
“What an asshole,” Max said as they set off again. “I’ll split the ticket with you.”
“We can all split it,” Olivia said.
“We’re on a mission from God.” Trish chuckled. “That was priceless.”
“You remember they end up in jail in the movie,” Olivia said.
Max laughed. “He wasn’t going to arrest us.”
“I think I’m going to put a jail scene in my play,” Trish said.